


Let's Get It On

by Samantha_Trewyn



Category: iCarly
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-17
Updated: 2012-03-17
Packaged: 2017-11-02 01:57:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/363736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samantha_Trewyn/pseuds/Samantha_Trewyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A lemon parody ;)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let's Get It On

**Author's Note:**

> This is all meant as a joke. Taking some of the worst or cliche lemons I've read and making them into something...lemony.

They were just chillin’ on the fire escape, laying on a blanket that magically appeared and staring at the stars. Because that’s what everyone does when they’re about to break up. They escape to where they had their first kiss, with the person they had their first kiss with, and reminisce about all the things they could do before they break up exactly 90 minutes from that time.

“I’m going to miss you so much baby,” Sam whispers, tears already sliding down her face. Freddie, being the gentleman he is, wipes them away quickly.

“Shh, baby,” he whispers back to her, “I know.”

Sam sighs, all tears stopped, and mumbles “I’m cold.”

Freddie takes his sweatshirt off and gives it to Sam, who takes it and zips it up just enough to where her neck is still exposed. Perfect for making out within those last 90 minutes should they choose to do so.

Which, of course, they do. Because that’s how to end a relationship. Say I love you and then make out for an hour and a half.

Anyway.

Sam cuddles up close to Freddie, putting her head on his chest so she can hear his heartbeat. She sighs, remembering that not so long ago that beating heart was hers alone. The clock was ticking away the time she had left with him and in a quick, thoughtless, decision making second she determined that she wouldn’t live without Freddie if he wasn’t her first everything.

Freddie’s a guy, no matter how it’s spun he couldn’t to say no to that chizz.

Sam crushes her lips to his like she’s never, in her life, going to be kissed again and this is the last time she’ll ever be able to do it. Freddie, after the initial shock and tooth-smashing, responds to her, practically swallowing her face. It was like a game of cat and mouse between them, neither thinking about the fact that in the shortest amount of sex time possible they were no longer going to be a couple.

Freddie’s tongue, of course, gained a mind of its own and all but forced its way into Sam’s mouth. Sam doesn’t mind, though, because at least Freddie’s taking control, which is apparently really hot in Sam world. The idea of being in control for her first time was scary, she needed someone else, namely Freddie, who also had no idea what having sex was like, to take the reins and teach her.

Freddie rolls over on top of her and takes off the sweatshirt that he’d given her five seconds earlier to keep her warm. No need for it now. She’d be plenty warm when they had sex. No better way to end a relationship than to hit it and quit it. His mouth moves to her neck, where he sucks and bites until it’s all raw and bleeding because, you know, he’s a vampire and enjoys the taste of blood. He also loves to inflict pain on others by practically eating their skin off.

He rips her shirt off (getting a little feisty there aren’t we Freddie Benson?) and gropes her boobs. Sam moans because, of course, every female in the world loves to be fondled right before they’re about to be dumped. She takes enough control of the situation to reach behind herself and unhook her bra. Freddie, who’s never seen boobs before in his life, stares at her for a second admiring her ‘beauty.’

Her blonde hair was frizzy, fanned out around her head on the magic blanket. Her blue eyes were bright like the moon, shining up at him. Her boobs were just there, waiting for him to make them his play things for the rest of the night. Freddie happily obliges to the demands her perfect boobs were making and, once again, goes back to just groping her while she moans.

Sam opens her eyes and finally realizes that Freddie is wearing entirely too many clothes (I agree) and decides that he needs to now strip down to practically nothing, so she yanks his shirt over his head and runs her hands up and down his chest, his perfect abs and then back up over his arms. Freddie smiles.

“I knew you loved my muscles.”

“You are so hot, baby.”

Freddie goes back to playing tonsil hockey with her, occasionally reaching his hand up to touch her boob again. Left? Right? It doesn’t matter as long as he’s touching it. His hand slides down her stomach and, with skill that requires a guy to actually have ever touched a girl before, unbuttons her pants with one hand. Without moving, he somehow manages to get her pants off completely. He, of course, is already pants-less with absolutely no explanation whatsoever.

“Someone’s excited to see me,” Sam purrs in her normal Sam way. Freddie smirks.

“Shut up. Did I tell you to talk?”

Sam raises her eyebrows, “No sir,” she responds, completely oblivious to the fact that Freddie’s being a complete dickwad.

“Then just lay there and enjoy my sex, Sam Puckett!”

“Yes sir!”

He slaps her in the face a few times and besides the initial sting of being smacked around she gets really turned on, “oh baby, I love when you take control and physically abuse me.”

“Oh you like that?”

“Yes, yes, I love it. Do it again.”

So he does.

Again.

And again.

And again.

Until Sam’s face is all red and swollen from being beaten to death by Freddie Benson, who usually didn’t hit girls. Apparently all the normal rules go out the window when you’re about to have sex. Or at least over the edge of the fire escape.

He tears off her underwear and somehow, magically, like with the appearing blanket and the disappearing pants, he’s already naked, so he thrusts himself inside Sam with so much force that she already comes, even though she should be pretty much screaming in pain at this point.

“You gonna come for me again, baby?”

“Oh yes, oh yes.”

“Good.” He thrusts again, making her come again. It only takes one to make her come apparently.

“Oh, oh baby, oh you’re so hot, oh—“ Sam’s screaming, which nobody else can hear because they’re on the fire escape and nobody ever hears girls who are screaming bloody murder when they’re on the fire escape. He keeps going, Sam’s screams getting louder each time he moves in her. Never mind that she’s supposed to be a virgin and all.

“My sweet, sweet, sweet as sugar, candylike, precious little darling baby,” Freddie moaned in exactly one breath, “I wish I could eat you out.”

“Do it,” Sam begs. Freddie sighs, totally normal for being in the middle of having sex.

“I can’t, you’re too sweet.”

“Then fuck me big boy.”

“You want me to fuck you, Sammy?”

“Oh God, yes,” she moans. They’re already having sex, but apparently this is totally necessary.

“You want me to fuck you so hard your brains fall out of your skull?”

“Yes. Yes. Yes!”

Freddie continues to move inside her, causing her to come 803,343,678,353,934 more times.

“Come on baby, come for me baby, fill me with your sweet poison!” Sam screams.

Freddie comes inside her because he forgot to bring a condom to their break up and then collapses on top of her. She’s fine, even though the wind should have been knocked out of her due to the force of someone whose likely 40 pounds heavier than her dropping his entire weight on her. Not two seconds later his alarm starts going off, indicating that it’s midnight. Sam picks his phone up and stares at it like she can’t read the clock on it.

“It’s midnight,” she says dumbly. Freddie nods, still laying on top of her. Normally Sam Puckett would have shoved his sorry ass off of her so she could breathe, but this was an exception and she didn’t mind being used as a bed for her very naked now ex-boyfriend.

“I know.”

Sam starts to cry all over again, “I can’t believe it. It’s so hard to say goodbye to you.”

“I know. It’s hard to say goodbye to you, too, Sam. But it was mutual right?”

“Yeah,” she takes a shaky breath because Sam tears don’t last very long. Freddie stands up and gets himself dressed, leaving Sam laying naked on the magic blanket totally alone.

“Well, I’ll see you around,” he says lamely and un-Freddie like. Sam lays there, tears starting to pour down her face again.

“Yeah,” she hiccups, “I—I ha—hate y—you.” She resorts back to their old way of saying ‘I love you’ even though only an hour and a half ago they were shooting it out of their mouths. Freddie smiles.

“Hate you too.”


End file.
